The following is the text of a sermon I gave to college students recently. But it’s important for everyone to hear.
The Gospel of Luke, 14:25-26 –
25 Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, 26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. 27 Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.
The Gospel of Matthew, 10:34-39 –
34 “Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. 36 And a person’s enemies will be those of his own household. 37 Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. 38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Family is important in almost all cultures. In modern times, we’ve downplayed it’s significance a lot in favor of individual freedom—we are, theoretically, free to be whoever we want to be. Of course, family does still have a powerful pull. For so much of human history, family was everything. They were your closest allies, people you lived with, fought for, died with. In many cases, you even married within your family.
In the structure of the Roman Empire, like many ancient civilizations, family was the most basic unit of society. Thus, the Empire lived and died based on the strength of the family. Romans defined the strength of the family by a couple criteria like that the male and female household members were obedient to the paterfamilias, the oldest male in the family and that the family was worshipping the household gods. These were the signs of stability and strength.
Jews too saw family as important for society. In their legal code, they demanded that you honor your father and mother. It was more than a cultural norm. It was a law. And it’s one of those important ones—number 5 in the Ten Commandments.
Fast forward to modern America. While larger culture is iffy on family, the church has for many years championed “family values.” Our radio stations are “safe for the whole family.” Our Christian movies are “family-friendly.” You can probably find a marriage and family Bible class in your local church at any given time. Christians LOVE family. In fact, I’ve seen many Christians make the same case that Rome did all those years ago; the family is the building block of society, so they vote to protect “family values” in hopes of saving the soul of our nation.
Then Jesus comes slinging those zingers. He says to HATE your father and mother. He says he will divide children from their parents. We will make families enemies of each other. With these words, he challenges the norms of Jewish and Roman society. He makes a profoundly political and social statement about family. Like Jesus is prone to do, he turns our world upside down.
The context of both Luke 14 and Matthew 10 is the “cost of discipleship.” It’s about what happens when you sign up for this Jesus thing. When you join up with Jesus and really live the life Jesus calls us to, here’s what you should expect: families will be torn apart. That might mean holiday dinners are more awkward. It might mean your family disowns you. It might mean that your Uncle unfriends you on Facebook. Matthew’s language better reflects the spirit of Jesus’ statement about “hating” your parents that Luke uses. In Matthew, Jesus is clear that the issue is loving family more than loving Jesus. As believers, we have to get our priorities straight.
Unchecked family loyalty can cause problems, especially to a Christian who has entered into a new kind of family, the Body of Christ. Family is a double-edged sword, a source of great comfort and a source of great strife. If our loyalty is to family and other close relationships over the way of Jesus, then we miss out on fully living out God’s calling. At the root of so much inaction is a fear for what others might think. It’s easier to “not rock the boat.” It’s easier to say nothing to “keep the peace.”
Jesus is a peacemaker through and through and calls us toward nonviolence. But that doesn’t mean that there will not be emotional and relational casualties as we seek to live out the Gospel of Jesus Christ. For those without Christian families, you feel this divide the most. The separation is real. Even parents that love you fiercely might not understand your new way of life. But for those with Christian families, we can still find loyalties tested.
I want to take a moment to talk to those with Christian families, because I don’t think we often realize that family can become an idol or distraction even when they love Jesus. Many of you will find that your views change from growing up, you’ll find yourself believing different things than your parents. Indeed, if you don’t leave this school with some of your views changed, you were either a stunningly brilliant person in high school or you are infuriatingly stubborn now. And, let’s be honest with yourself, it’s probably the latter.
However, as you grow and change, you might find yourself in contention with family. I’ve had repeated experiences with my loving Christian parents that sparked arguments because I said things like “My Old Testament teacher said this and that about Scripture” or “I just don’t think this doctrine is as important as this other doctrine.”
My parents and I have had our greatest struggle because in high school I was so passionate about certain beliefs–but now, I just don’t hold those convictions as strongly since I’ve reoriented my entire view of faith. But my parents cannot help but see me as that kid with those views. It’s come to the point where I told my brother I was going to post on Facebook that I changed my mind about things that used to define me. My brother told my parents, and my mom was devastated, not just that I changed my mind but that I was going public about it. She worried about me shaking up other people’s faith. She worried about all her friends who are on Facebook that would ask her if I’m leaving the faith. Yet I wasn’t denying any central tenants to the faith—I was just explaining how I had come to change my mind on a few minor doctrines. I held off at their request, since offending your family is never something to take lightly. In the process, however, I’ve felt like I have not been true to my convictions.
[Please note, my parents love me and are committed to me, and I love them and am committed to them. The relationship has not been severed, but that doesn’t mean we are on the same page as everything. Nothing I say is meant to sound bad about my parents. It is just the reality that our beliefs now differ, which causes strife.]
Now, this is not to say we young people are always right and our parents are always wrong. But family pressure is a powerful force. This force demands to keep the status quo and not “rock the boat.” Yet many times God calls us to rock the boat and speak out in truth and love. While wisdom is required in every circumstance, maybe it is time to call your family member out on their racism. Call them out on their gossip, anger, pride, love of status quo over justice, lust for power—whatever it may be. Perhaps for you it is standing your ground when you choose to be a missionary in a far off–maybe even dangerous–country when your parents would rather you be close, out of harm’s way. For you it could be changing your major to something that best suits your unique gifting and call, rather than just sticking with the major that your family thinks will “get you the most money.”
If the Spirit is prompting you to speak and act a certain way that might not be your family’s preference, then it is time to act against the grain of family expectations, always centering Jesus as the main priority.
We must surrender to God even when that goes against family expectations.
Jesus is not saying that family does not matter AT ALL. Honoring our father and mother is still binding under Jesus as far as I can tell. But we must get our priorities straightened out. When we bear our cross, follow Christ through thick and thin, often our first test will be against family. Those that love us the most will sometimes provide the best excuses to not follow the way of Jesus. This is why Jesus had to speak on this matter.
Luckily, we have a new family. Becoming a Christian is being a part of a ginormous family with billions upon billions of siblings—those alive today and those that have gone before us. Even when your earthly family lets you down, doesn’t understand you, or holds you back—we have this universal family to lean on and give us hope. God doesn’t strip away the priority of earthly relationships and provide us nothing else; God has provided the Family of Faith.
In this family, we have allegiance to one and one figure only. That is not to our family, our tribe, our group, or even our best friends forever. Above all others, our loyalty is toward our Father in Heaven.
