[A version of this post originally appeared in my weekly newsletter where I tell a funny story with a spiritual point. Sign up here.]
I really hate the phrase “it’s like riding a bike” because, for all intents and purposes, I can’t actually ride a bike.
In my much more youthful days, my parents embarked on an adventure that many parents do–transitioning their child from the tricycle to the bicycle. Personally, I don’t see why we take that third wheel off–it’s perfectly fine as it is! It stabilizes things and makes the ride smoother. It’s a great thing to have. But I digress…
Anyway, for whatever reason, people want to ride bikes with two wheels. And that’s what my parents wanted for me. So sometime in elementary school, my parents sat me on a two-wheeled bike and at first gently held me as I peddled forward. At some point, however, they let go and I rode the bike all by myself.
For a few seconds. Then I wobbled, fell to the ground, and in the process skinned my knee–because it was the early 2000s and parents didn’t care about coddling their kids with knee pads.
My right knee was bleeding out and I ran inside crying. It required some bandages, but I’d live (Side note though: I had an aversion to bandaids at the time–it was a whole thing–but we won’t go down that rabbit hole). To this day, I actually have a very faint scar on my right knee that I believe is from this incident.
It was just a scrapped knee, but it traumatized me. I vowed never to ride a bike again. I gave up on the whole endeavor completely. And I actually stayed committed to my vow until a family vacation at around 14 or 15 when my fam thought we could be cool if we all biked together (we were probably THIS CLOSE to getting matching monochromatic sweatsuits). It was certainly not like riding a bike–I had to relearn everything. But I do not believe I’ve ridden a bike since.
That temporary pain clouded my judgments in a major way. I swore off bikes for eternity all because I scrapped my knee once! In retrospect, that was very dumb.
Contrast my story with the bike story of a relative of mine. He was also riding a bike when he got hurt. Though it wasn’t a simple scrapped knee–far from it. His bike accident caused him to be paralyzed from the waist down! Because of his situation, he also never again rode a bike. But for, uh, very, very different reasons. Obviously.
These two stories illustrate our point today. I gave up on bikes because of a knee scrap. He gave up on bikes because his legs no longer work. I gave up because of pain. He gave up because of damage.
Pain Vs. Damage
This difference between pain and damage is something I first heard on the podcast “Relationship Radio” with Dr. Joe Beam and Kimberly Beam Holmes. I can’t recall the exact episode or else I’d link to it specifically, but I believe the concept was introduced by a guest. The guest described how (generally) pain is temporary but damage is permanent. Pain is something that can go away, with time or treatment, but damage is something that cannot (generally) be fixed, just managed.
A knee scrape gave me momentary pain but I can still use that knee to this day. Even though I have an almost-invisible scar, there really wasn’t permanent damage. It wasn’t serious enough to lead to my denial of biking. Conversely, my relative cannot use his legs to this day. However, despite the permanent damage, he manages to do lots of cool things and live what seems like a fulfilling life–but that doesn’t change the fact that he still can’t use his legs.
One of our big problems as humans is that we see “pain” and think it’s “damage.” We give up when there is discomfort, awkwardness, soreness, or little boo-boos thinking that it’s impossible to recover. Even though pain is something that can be overcome by working through the problem or giving it time, we call it quits because pain hurts too much. It’s excusable if there’s real damage, but not so excusable when we let pain prevent us from doing what’s right and what matters.
A lot of people stop exercising soon after they start because it hurts to get in shape. In fact, when I recently started a new exercise regimen, my friend who invited me into the program told me to expect to be sore for six weeks. At that point, I’d still be sore but wouldn’t feel anything. He reframed the soreness as a sign that exercise was working. When I told him I threw up after the first day of the program, he was actually excited–he told me that I pushed myself hard and that my body was in the process of getting used to the new way of living. Here’s the crazy thing: because I got through the initial pain, I now actually enjoy the work. I am a bit sad on the days when I don’t go to my 6am workout–my goodness, my younger self would be FLABBERGASTED at this new version of myself.
Damage means you CAN’T while pain means you CAN’T YET. When you are damaged, you’ll know it. Emotional damage doesn’t (usually) go away over time. It is usually something you live with for a while, though it can be managed. Damage might look like childhood trauma or being the victim of emotional or physical abuse. It’s a situation that is physically, emotionally, or spiritually unsafe and there’s no negotiation. Damage is intense and is debilitating. Damage can be associated with a single person (like a particularly bad boss) or a group (like a church) or a situation (like a work environment). If it’s really damage, you should get out for your own safety and sanity. Though I think we should power through the pain, there are times when it’s just best to remove yourself.
So Should I Give Up?
I can’t decide what’s pain (when you should persevere) and what’s damage (when you should quit) in your life–that’s ultimately up to you–though in my uneducated opinion more things are “pain” than we typically think. Let’s try not to be overly dramatic. What I can do is remind us to think critically about our situation. Because if it’s really just pain, then do something to start healing, and don’t let the pain get you off track.
- When we first start a job, remember we may be frustrated only because we haven’t learned everything we need to know–but give it more time because that pain will go away when you get in a groove
- When we fight with our spouse, the emotional pain can be really intense–but find outside help to improve communication and affection in the marriage
- When we start a new habit, it will often be hard to get into a comfortable routine–but keep trying, habits take time and practice
- When we have to engage with an annoying or troublesome acquaintance, it can be easy to cut off the relationship–but remember that our Christian love for others even extends to the unlovable people and that this can be a good time to practice that love
- When we are led into temptation, the pain of guilt might overtake us–but don’t allow that to let you give in, for guilt is a sign you know it’s wrong
- When we do the right thing but everyone around us disagrees, it can create pain because you are the odd one out–but that pain is just a reminder that the world isn’t always on the same page with God’s Ways
Those are just a few examples of painful situations where exiting stage left isn’t your best option.
One of the tips they gave on the podcast for finding the difference between emotional pain and damage is the 10-10-10 exercise. You ask yourself: “What will I feel about this in 10 days? What will I feel about this in 10 months? What will I feel about this in 10 years.” It can help us remember that many feelings are temporary. However, I have a word of caution: psychology shows us that people are VERY BAD at guessing specific future feelings (affective forecasting). In the moment, we assume what we feel right now we will feel in 10 years but that’s hardly ever true as we mature, develop distance to the event, and find coping mechanisms. So we really have to do some SERIOUS logical thinking to do this guessing work. I suggest talking through this with someone else, maybe a therapist or someone that has gone through a similar struggle, so that we don’t get caught in our own biases.
Still, it can be good to think about what the future might bring. Ask yourself: Can I heal from this? Will I feel guilt over quitting this? Am I acting out of emotion now and not rationality? Does quitting this painful situation align with my values? Are there strategies to cope with the pain or improve the situation that could help? Have I really tried everything to make this work? If it looks like you’ll regret quitting when there’s pain or that the pain can be solved, then it’s not time to give up. It’s time to put in the work.
God is With Us in the Pain
To steal what God said to Paul when he was complaining about his unspecified suffering, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” God wants to take your pain and do something amazing with it. The Bible talks about this in several places by reframing suffering as something that helps us become better people and prove to the world our stamina as believers (Psalm 119:71; 2 Corinthians 4:16-18; Hebrews 12:5-11; 1 Peter 1:6-7; 1 Peter 2:20-21; James 1:2-5 to name a few).
Many times our pain is a sign of growth on the horizon. If the job or hobby were so easy and required no pain, we might take it for granted and might not try to improve. And couples that stay together after the tough first five years of marriage (traditionally the hardest where most divorces happen) also report higher life satisfaction than those who divorce during this time, presumably because the relationship trouble woke them up to the need to improve the relationship (one source for this). And sometimes, as I’ve experienced, the colleagues or church folk that give you the most discomfort are the ones that teach you the most about love.
So sometimes pain is growing pain. It won’t last forever. But if we bail out every time the going gets tough, we’ll miss the amazing thing we were about to grow into. Don’t take the exit ramp too early, it’ll throw you off course and you’ll waste time while the GPS is “recalculating.”
I’ll close with two Scriptures to encourage us. First, James’ words.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. (James 1:2-4)
Next, Paul’s words. Pay special attention to that first sentence!
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
I don’t blame people that let the pain stop them from going forward. Pain is still, well, painful. I have only sympathy, not judgment, for those that get bogged down by the painful moments of life. Wanting to relieve our pain is very natural, but that doesn’t mean it’s actually best for us. It is generally better if we power through pain–which CAN be overcome, especially with our God that can do the impossible–toward the glorious future on the other side.
Let me know how I can support you through your painful situation.
Answer in the comments:
How have you seen “pain” produce something good, true, and beautiful in your own life?
